For the first part, I have no excuses except that we were really busy with in-laws and other family. Had a great time with them.
For the second half...
I checked my kid into a mental health facility over the last weekend. We got a message from the parent of a friend who gave us some information that we didn't have before. We have our kid on medication and in therapy - but unless someone talks to the therapist, or to family, it can be HARD to know what's going on.
My general reaction to things like this is to pull inward on myself. And that is how I have been feeling, and what I have been doing.
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Cut to several days later. I have let this post just sit there, not knowing what to write. I just feel drained, physically and emotionally. This has been a terrible year and a half. I am finding that I really have no idea how to be a parent to someone that doesn't want me as a parent.
My kid came home two days ago. So far it appears that things MAY have changed a little. I don't know. He doesn't appear to be in any danger, which is what you want from inpatient treatment. But I am at a loss as to how to rebuild his trust when I don't know how I have lost it.
I feel as if my parenting has been cut off at the knees. Either I let things go that I shouldn't - not reminding him of homework, not having him shut of electronics after a certain amount of time, giving a pass when he is late to classes - or I call him on things and he doesn't want anything to do with me.
What do you do in that situation?
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Of course, on what is ostensibly a weight loss blog, the question is rhetorical. I suppose I'm just building up the case for why I withdraw within myself and medicate with food. It's not a good choice. But it is what has been happening.
Intellectually I know what I need to do - I need something for a kick in the pants and a bit of accountability. But when I start to head down there I just put it off again. I know that starting off on this journey again is going to be hard up front - when you're as addicted to food as I am it makes you grumpy when you quit cold turkey. Withdrawal symptoms, I know.
It's just that during this time of extra stress I can't seem to get myself to add another stressor. In reality it is also removing a coping mechanism. What would I have to do then?
Face my feelings? Face the reality of what is going on?
I don't know if I'm ready for that today. I know I should be. (And I'm told that I am not supposed to use the word should). But for now...
I'm just making it through today. Maybe later I can work on a plan. But for now...
I will talk to you tomorrow.
-Silas
